Too Many Expectations: Making Sense of All My Roles

Early in our marriage, while serving at a church plant, I was raising three small children, caring for my mother and grandmother, homeschooling, a leader in women’s ministry, and hosting a small group in our home.

My capacity was limited and I had no idea how to juggle all those relationships and responsibilities. I kept telling myself that all women have lots of different roles – daughter, wife, mother, neighbor, church member, community member, employee. When ‘pastor’s wife’ is added to that list, it adds complexity to all the other roles. In my early years of marriage, there were many tears and even a meltdown when I heard that someone expected me to do more! I was sure I was letting God, my husband, and our church down.

What I wish I knew then and struggled to learn is it isn’t relationships or the responsibilities that make good roles a burden. It is living under unaligned expectations. In each role, I had expectations of how I wanted to show up as a competent, faithful, wise, knowledgeable woman, and others had expectations of how they wanted me to show up – socially, spiritually, personally. Some of those were realistic and some not. But what God expected got lost in all the noise.

Through those hard years I discovered that we are on a journey as God’s workmanship, as clay being shaped by the potter. Ephesians 2:10 gave me a roadmap I didn’t know I needed. Understanding myself as God’s workmanship continues to help me sort out the who, where and how of my service.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

The start of this journey is about our identity and belonging. Being created in Christ Jesus grounds us in who we are and whose we are. Christ is our home. We dwell in Him, we belong to Him, and it is from that place of belonging that we serve others. Not out of compulsion, not as slaves to others’ expectations, but as God’s servants given first to Him, and then by His will, to the people around us. (2 Cor. 8:5)

This journey involves both God’s workmanship in us and the preparation of the good works He has for us. As a workman, He is making sure that the work He is doing in us is needed to equip us for the opportunities He sets before us. I keep this quote on my mirror.

          The will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you.

We are God’s masterpiece, skillfully and intentionally formed. It’s easy to define ourselves by our roles — but when we start there, we find ourselves on shaky ground. Leading with our roles rather than our identity brings confusing priorities, instability, and anxiety. Our roles are simply the places where God has positioned us to do the good works He prepared for us. But when we start with WHO we belong to, everything else begins to find its place. That sure footing will steady us when the questions come about where and how we serve.

This framework has been a gift, but it requires reflection with the Master Craftsman. Journaling has helped me stay aware of what He has done and is doing. Here are a few places to start:

When you lose sight of your true identity in Christ, read Ephesians 1 to remember whose you are and the inexhaustible resources that come with that belonging.

When you don’t feel like His masterpiece, begin to see yourself through His eyes until you can agree with Him that you are fearfully and wonderfully made. Read Psalm 139. The more we understand how he has designed us; we can lean into our giftedness.

When you need clarity about the opportunities in your roles, consider these questions:

Have you asked God for wisdom about this opportunity?

Which tasks can only you do? (priorities)

What CAN you realistically do? (limitations)

What do you naturally bring to this opportunity? (giftedness)

How might God be growing you through this opportunity? (alignment)

Pastor’s wife, the roles you carry are real, and the expectations can be loud. But you were not created to carry them alone or to live under the weight of everyone else’s vision for your life. You were created in Christ Jesus — His masterpiece, shaped by His hands, placed exactly where He needs you. On the days when the noise gets overwhelming, come back to this. Come back to whose you are.