Protect Your Family’s Privacy

By Deryk Richenburg

We’ve all been there. You are welcomed to a new church, and someone comes up and asks you, “Can you and your family come up front so we can congratulate you?” Or later on, “Can you and your family come up so we can thank you?” Or the myriads of other times you and your family are asked to be present before the congregation.

Did the church hire just you? Or was it a calling on your family’s time as well? How would you answer? How you think through those questions is vital for your family.

Every pastor understands their lives are on display – Sunday mornings at church, Tuesday evenings for meetings, Saturday mornings at the grocery store. And we know we are to be transparent so others can learn to imitate us, as we imitate Jesus (1 Corinthians 11:1). We are also to model for others how we love our spouse and parent our children. We signed up for it; but did our family sign up as well?

Everyone who knows me agrees—I married up. One of the many gifts my wife gave to our family is having been a pastor’s kid. Growing up with a father in ministry, she understands the joys and pains of having the attention of the church. Her wisdom has been so helpful to me in working through these issues with regard to my own family.

Both of us understand that our giftings allow us to serve others in different ways. We were prepared to use those gifts in concert to nurture my ministry. What we were not prepared for was how much the church not only asked, but expected, from our children as well.

I remember the excitement our church felt as we were expecting our first child. The first Sunday we arrived with our baby was eye-opening to say the least. Everyone wanted to see the new baby, but before we knew it, people were passing him around. They didn’t just want to see him; they all wanted an opportunity to hold him. As first-time parents, it was awkward and stressful. It felt like they thought he was their baby as well. The discussion began as soon as we got in the car to head home. How comfortable did we feel about that? Did we want our child growing up with the pressure of trying to be everyone’s son? How can our child be included in the ministry, yet still be allowed a childhood? As our family changed, our thinking had to evolve as well.

As I’ve wrestled with this question over the years, I realize I’ve had to do some soul searching. I’ve learned I had to be clear about my intentions with both my family and my church. I’ve also learned the value of discussing events or situations with my family so we can all agree upon the expectations.

Someone once said the best gift a pastor can give his church is a healthy family. When Paul was guiding Timothy and Titus on selecting leaders, he brought up the importance of the family (1 Timothy 3; Titus 1). These Scripture passages have forced me to ask another question: what do I want more, a successful ministry or a healthy family? While I want both, I’ve learned I can’t use my family to make my ministry successful.

As I explore these issues, there are other questions I’ve needed to ask: Does my family know they are more important to me than my ministry? How do they know that? How do I demonstrate to them that they come first?

I look back on my life and can see seasons where they might have questioned how I answered those questions. Those times when ministry was grabbing too much of my time and attention and my family suffered from it – times when I was physically there but not engaged. Yet at other times I can see the best moments in my life were when I was coaching one of their sports teams and just being Dad.

How do you show your family they have priority over church?

What has been helpful to me and my family has been coming to agreements on their role in different aspects of the ministry. What stories or situations can be shared in a sermon? What pictures and information can be used on the website or social media? What event does the family attend? Which ones can they skip? What expectations do I or the church have when they are there? Can they hang out with their friends at those events, or do they have to make the rounds and greet others? What can the family expect from you?

How would your family answer those questions? All these questions have been eye-opening for me. I’ve learned the boundaries my family is comfortable with and at times I’ve had to fight for them when others expected more. For me, it is a balancing act, weighted toward family.

There is no way to hide our families from the church. They are part of the church family as well and should enjoy all the benefits of being part of the body. That being said, we can protect them in small ways on Sunday mornings.

During the church service where do they sit? No matter where they sit, the family is going to be noticed. Are they in a place where they are comfortable, or do they sit where the pastor’s family should sit and feel like they are in a fishbowl?

After the service do you have expectations for them? My boys have always been frustrated with the amount of time we stay after the service talking. They quickly look for a place they can go and hide away from the attention. I always made sure they had a private place to go. Toys, books, food, and other things were always available for them in my office. I know they appreciated freedom, safety, and privacy.

Like most parents, I don’t know if all of our decisions have been correct. I’m sure my family has gripes and stories we’ll talk about some day. But what brings me joy is that regardless of all the struggles, they love Jesus and His church. And I couldn’t be happier! I hope you find the same.